Random Memory #5

During the summer of 1996 Mike Frazier and I used to frequent the mall at least 2 or 3 times a week. We never bought anything, we just went to check out chicks and do absolutely nothing. I take that back, we did occasionally buy 39 cent tacos at Del Taco, so we weren't entirely loitering. Coincidentally, or not, the previous year Kevin Smith released his classic film Mall Rats. That was exactly what we were.



One completely mundane trip to the mall comes to mind, however. After another worthless 3 hours at the mall, we decided to head home. Keep in mind we were only 14 or 15 at the time and did not have a driver's license, naturally. After immediately exiting the mall we noticed some construction gong on (building renovation). While walking past the chain linked fences surrounding the construction crew, I noticed a sign attached to the fence. It read: "Hard Hat Area". Being that i was only 14 years old, the verbiage of the sign made me chuckle in a sexually suggestive sort of way. Frazier immediately joined in on my laughter ala a Beavis and Butthead moment.



Then, as if absolutely nothing in the world existed for the next 2 minutes, we proceeded to remove the sign from the fence. It was a bit of a struggle since it was clear that it was attached with tools and we were simply using our bare hands to remove it. Somehow, and don't ask me how, we eventually detached the sign. Mission accomplished right? Wrong. Now, how the hell are we going to get the sign home? We can't take the bus; bus drivers are county employees and surely wont let us get away with a federal offense. So we decided we'd hoof it, yes, walk 5 miles home. Once we passed the parking lot and approached the main street i spotted a few tall orange street cones that were guiding traffic. I told Frazier, "we might as well take one of those too . . . if we're going to get caught we might as well make the risk greater". And so we did.



There we were, carrying a huge green sign and a bright orange road cone, just trekking through neighborhoods along the way. We figured it would be best to stay off the busy main streets and stuck to smaller residential streets. Almost home, only a few more neighborhoods to go, we both needed a rest badly. The weight of the sign on my fingers, combined with the thin cut of the metal, left my fingers throbbing in pain. The awkwardness of the road cone's shape made a comfortable grasp virtual impossible for Frazier as well. So came the much anticipated "rest".

We set the sign and cone down on the curb and knelt over with our hands on our knees, heavily gasping for breath, completely winded and sweaty, our heads bent over, looking at the edge of the curb. I caught sight of a sign posted just above the curb. It looked much like this:





We both read the sign aloud, simultaneously: "drains to ocean." Without even discussing it, we both unzipped our pants and proceeded to urinate into the drain (no Bruno).

Just for a little clarification: according to Google Maps, walking from the mall to my house would take 1 hour and 43 minutes and is exactly 5.2 miles. Yes, Google Maps can now calculate WALKING distances, go figure.

Here's a map of the explained journey: